


BANGARANG

by Zivlok



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Fiduspawn, HSO Round 1, Homestuck Shipping Olympics, M/M, almond fluff - Freeform, crackfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-19
Updated: 2012-08-19
Packaged: 2017-11-12 11:37:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,236
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/490465
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zivlok/pseuds/Zivlok
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tavros meets a mysterious man with mysterious white text and enters into a mysterious wager with him.</p>
<p>Mysteriously.</p>
<p>Written for Round 1 of HSO for Team Parcelpyxis.</p>
            </blockquote>





	BANGARANG

Tavros sat in his room, mulling over his Fiduspawn cards.  "Well, um, if I remove the Spangled Orb Duxxer and put Jiggling Skeletal Mass on the bench," he said to himself, "then I could add three Sentient Hoofbeast Leavings directly to the stack... Hmmmm..."  Tavros continued to hem and haw over deck construction when suddenly there was a strange noise from his husktop.  He looked over and saw that someone was messaging him on Trollian, but he had no idea who.  In fact, he only realized that messages were actually coming in when the screen started to scroll down.

 

Tavros wheeled himself over to his husktop, and typed in "uH, hELLO?"  He then watched, baffled, as his words slowly floated upwards.  He tried once again, this time soliciting the stranger's name, but again, the words just rose and disappeared at the top of the screen.

 

Meanwhile, Doc Scratch was having the chance to inner monologue.  Of course, Doc Scratch was ALWAYS inner monologuing, but he relished the opportunity nevertheless.  Doc Scratch remarked to himself that it is fortunate that he is a man, if the term man could be used, of almost limitless patience.  Almost.  This is fortunate, because this young brown-blooded troll was certainly trying his.  Therefore it is also fortunate, he thought, that he had cosmic inevitability on his side, as from his perch in his moon mansion, he saw a very small meteor plummet towards Alternia.

 

Tavros yelped and nearly toppled backwards out of his chair as a small rock hurtled into his hive, barely missing his carefully constructed deck, and completely obliterating _Stop Being The Troll Other Trolls Want To Troll, And Become The Troll Who Trolls Other Trolls - An Instructional Twelve Step Guide With Informational Charts And Appendices_.  As the puff of charred pages slowly floated back to the ground, Tavros noticed there was a dark green piece of... well it couldn't be paper, it'd have burnt off... wrapped around the rock.  He wheeled over and managed to scoop it up.  It certainly _felt_ like paper...

 

Written on the paper in perfect white script, was simply "Please highlight the mysterious blank spaces, Mr. Nitram".  Confused, Tavros hastily scooted around back to his husktop, and highlighting the vast expanses of white, and proceeded to read line after line about how Tavros wasn't going to read this text until he was reading this and ha ha hee hee hoo hoo I'm so self assured and - Tavros had to stop reading.  He just couldn't take this strange man's cocky assertiveness, and decided to give him a piece of his mind.

 

"sO, I WANTED TO TELL YOU", he typed, "tHAT YOU ARE VERY SELF-ASSURED, aND KIND OF, cOCKY, aND I WAS WONDERING IF, yOU'D KINDLY, uM, tEACH ME HOW TO BE LIKE YOU? iF THAT'S ALRIGHT WITH YOU?"  Immediately, white text sprang forth, which Tavros quickly highlighted, to read:

  
"Mr. Nitram, normally I would be delighted to help you, but as you no doubt are unaware, but I am very much aware, I am very busy at this time, and I'm afraid I really can't afford to take the time to teach you to be just as suave, self-confident, and as excellent a host as me."  Tavros slumped his shoulders in familiar defeat.  "But please do right your shoulders, dear boy," the white text continued, "as I'm willing to make you a deal.  Are you, by any chance, familiar with a game called 'Fiduspawn'?"  Tavros excitedly typed back that he was, amazed at his luck.  "Excellent.  Of course, any pretense of chance I may have implied to you previously was of course an illusion.  We are both of course familiar with Fiduspawn, and soon, we will begin playing said game under a wager of sorts.  Simply put, if you win, I will take time out of my busy schedule to teach you my ways."

  
"bUT, uM, wHAT IF YOU WIN?"

  
"Then I will take time out of my busy schedule to teach you my ways."

  
"aLRIGHT, iT'S A DEAL," Tavros typed back, and gathered up his cards and host plushie.  He was going to go back to Trollian and ask how the mysterious man intended to play without being in the same room, when suddenly another rock flew into Tavros' hive, destroying nothing of note, but widening the hole in his wall considerably.  Wrapped around the meteorite was another plushie, but this one seemed even more full than usual.  Tavros watched in astonishment as the plushie unwound itself from the rock, bent over, and vomited out a stack of cards, which it began to shuffle.  This was certainly an unusual Fiduspawn match he was about to play, but even if he lost, Tavros was assured to get what he wanted nevertheless.

  
Tavros put up a valiant effort, but eventually his death points had accrued 23, one more and it would be Game Over.  Fingers trembling, he reached into the deck and - AHA! Grinning, Tavros slapped down Leavings Technician, causing two damage to his opponent, bringing their Death Points up to 13, and allowing him to search his desk, remove all three Sentient Hoofbeast Leavings, and put them all in play.  "Um, your turn!" he said to the ever silent plush he was playing against, already starting to feel a bit of confidence, and his training hadn't even begun yet!  His opponent plush seemed like it was thinking hard about its options, and then suddenly whisked all of his active cards into the discard pile.

  
"So, you concede, then!" Tavros started to say, when the host plush slapped down Rise With Ashes.  Tavros gasped - it was arguably the most powerful, and inarguably the most rare card in the whole game.  It required intense sacrifice, but promised wondrous rewards.  Tavros gulped and looked at his own plush, from which suddenly erupted a scaley little monster.  Tavros groaned, and turned to shake hands with his opponent, but stopped as a strange green light started to crackle around the room.  He watched, transfixed, as the opponent plush grew, and changed, until suddenly there was a four foot tall person with a large, perfectly round, white head before him.

  
"You don't need to be so surprised," the man said, "it really is a tiresome trait in those with lifespans not as nearly eternal as my own.  Of course I was already here and seemed to be just a simple host plush - but then again, nothing about me is simple.  For you see, I am an _excellent_ host."  Though the stranger had no facial expressions, and in fact, had no face at all, Tavros could still sense something… almost… predatory about the man's demeanor.  "You may call me Doc Scratch, but I am assured that you will call me many things over the next hour, most frequently 'God', 'Oh God', 'Oh My God', and during one particularly scintillating moment, 'Bangarang'."  Tavros looked at him, confused, and started to feel slightly scared.  "I am as assured of this," Doc Scratch continued, "as I was of my inevitable victory.  Now, are you ready for your… reward?  Pardon me, I indulged myself in a slight joke.  Of course you aren't.  Nevertheless, it is time for me, as you wished, to teach you my ways."

  
Tavros gulped, and slowly tried to wheel backwards, but there was nowhere to go in his little hive.  "Lesson one", began Doc Scratch, "you aren't going to need those pants."

**Author's Note:**

> The shipping name for this pairing is "Almond Fluff". I expect you all to now adopt it as your new OTP.


End file.
